JenCo.

New York City is overrun by cats. The city’s launching a program to sterilize strays, just to avoid having to build more shelters to hold the teeming masses of fur and teeth. What do we do with all these cats?

• Trap em; shave em; Village Halloween Parade em.
• Convert more cats to Christianity, so that they will remain abstinent.
• Convert more cats to Mormonism, so that they will move to Utah.
• Do lost cats always need to be “found?” Or should we let them pursue their dreams, of freedom?
• Import dogs.
• Tax breaks for cat hoarders.
• Big huge boat full of cats in the Hudson River.
• Life size sculpture of the Empire State Building made out of cats.
• Cat cabs.
• Kill them.

Full of champagne. 

These photos from the NYC marriage bureau are so touching. 

FCK H8. 

I don’t usually click on ads, but when I do, they’re not nearly this awesome. 

So, I was thinking about superpowers this afternoon (yeah, slow day at work). Wikipedia has a quite exhaustive list of superpowers. They’re split up between personal physical powers, mental-based abilities, physics of reality manipulation, transportation/travel, superpower interaction, and a miscellaneous category (incl. illusion, shape-shifting, energy propulsion, etc). 

I think that the coolest ones to have would be superhuman senses (ability to hear, see, taste, smell, feel more than average human), superhuman reflexes/strength, teleportation. It would just be kind of cool to know what was going on around you and be able to react to it in a super human way (incl super fast translocation). 

Originally, I was thinking that telepathy would be an awesome power to have, but I’m not sure that I’d want to know what people are thinking all of the time. Also, there’s some people’s minds that, frankly, I have no desire to hear the inner-workings of. 

They also note some pretty ridiculous superpowers. Microwave manipulation? Come on. Walk to the kitchen if you want some easy mac, no need to get all super-powery. 

This morning, my wake-up crew, The Bert Show, discussed what was quite possibly the grossest segment anyone could imagine: “What personal hygiene chore do you do for your significant other? “.

Now, I get it, there are some things that it’s easier for someone else to do. In his older (ahem, I didn’t say old, dad) age, my Dad sprouts ear hair like weeds. I’m sure that if my sister and I didn’t attack him with tweezers that he wouldn’t be able to hear because his ears would be full of Amazonian thickets. Gross? Yeah, probably. Necessary? Absolutely.

One of the callers admitted to pulling out her husbands back hair…with her teeth. I very nearly lost a tonsil from dry heaving.

If you haven’t eaten lunch yet, check out the audio here. 

This is one of the most hilarious threads I’ve ever come across. I’m finding it quite difficult to sit in the office and not giggle/ snort/ pee my pants. 

Personally, I thought women got pregnant because men hugged them too hard. I was afraid of tight hugs for a while there. 

Also, I thought that my parents grew up in the 1800s. I pictured my mom as a child in a horse-drawn carriage and my dad dressed up in colonial garb and shoes with big gold buckles on them.  I used to stall when my parents were putting me to bed by asking them about “the olden days”. I’m surprised my parents didn’t suffocate me with my pillow. 

Also, it took me a really long time to grasp the concept that my grandparents were my parent’s parents. I thought they were just old people that were friendly. 

This last one is a little embarrassing because I was quite a bit older, but I used to think that once you got your period, you had it forever and it never stopped. 

Some of my favorite responses from the thread are:

“I thought the rubber mats just outside of automatic sliding doors were there to smell your feet and open the door if the mat could smell feet on it.”

“Bees flew into vaginas, stung them, birds flew out of the vaginas and then delivered babies. That’s where we came from.”

“I used to think as a kid that when you flushed your poop, it would go down to an underground room where skeletons were sitting at a dinner table with empty bowls waiting for your poop to be flushed down the pipes and into their bowls from a pipe above them. Then they would eat it, and that’s how poop goes away.”

“I used to think that women urinated blue ink and that’s what those maxi-pads were for.”

“I used to think the turning signal in a car was actually telling you which way to turn. And I was amazed that I was born on my birthday, of all days!”

“I thought that farts came out of your asshole in pink bubbles (like gum? I have no fucking idea) When I had to fart, I would run into the bathroom, throw my pants down, and look in the mirror to see if I could catch a glimpse of the pink bubble emerging.”

“That people in Ethiopia were starving because they spent all the food money to get perms.”

“I saw the word “pedophile” used somewhere on the TV (I was 11 years old approximately). When I asked my parents what it meant, they told me it was someone who “liked kids a lot”. So I went around school asking teachers if they were pedophiles, and when they said quite shocked that they weren’t, I would ask them why not.”

After 20 minutes of online research, I still can’t figure out where the hell a  male cat’s penis is located. 

How much does a Chinese soup weigh?

Won ton!

(Big ups goes to Nik Kemmer for that one. It’s been making me giggle for 6 months.)