As much as I’ve tried to avoid it, it’s nearly impossible to ignore the rumblings about the papal election. 

If I can’t avoid it, I might as well put my two cents out there and hope that maybe someone, somewhere will read it. 

Let’s start by asking some questions about the office itself. What does a pope do? Why do all these people want to be a pope? Well, the pope is a “spiritual leader,” so he leads the world Catholics in being the PREMIER guilt-laden, woman-hating, narrow-minded “believer” off them all! But you know what else? He also gets to live in a palace in his very own country. And he gets gold hats and fancy rings and huge gilded sticks with which to beat little boys that don’t do what he wants. See exhibit A below: 

Heck, I’d want that, amiright? Who doesn’t want to be the most powerful man in a cult consisting of 1/7 of the world? 

So now that we know who the pope is, how do we pick him? Everyone obviously wants to be the king of the castle, so they’re all going to fight over it. Well, here’s the thing…the super secret group of cardinals has a all-boys club where no one can know what’s going on. What we do know, however, is who is in this super-secret club. It’s a group of 115 men (no girls allowed!! tee hee) who have spent years force-feeding doctrine to individuals with no self-thought and taking their money so that they can pay off settlements to all of the little boys they molest. Shall we profile one such cardinal?

I present to you Cardinal Michael Baker of Los Angeles, CA. 

Scumbag over here openly admitted to molesting boys from 1974-1986. In 1986, he confessed to another priest, who didn’t go to the authorities. Instead, he was sent to a mental health facility where the doctors suggested he be disrobed and stop interacting with children. The church failed to obey the doctor’s orders and he was allowed to return to the priesthood. He continued to abuse children for fourteen more years, until 2000, when the courts convicted him and he was ordered to pay out $10 million in settlement money. This, my friends, is one of the men that’s in charge of selecting your pope, your spiritual and ethical leader. This, my friends, is where the church’s collection basket empties into each week. This, my friends, is injustice. 

The church is rife with corruption and lack of any moral compass whatsoever. The catholic authorities are not your spiritual leaders. They are power-hungry, money-grubbing scum and the whole institution deserves to be dissolved before anyone else gets hurt.